If I Should Have a Child

 

Your name could be Malakai, or Winter, or Alec, or River. I don’t know yet.

I don’t know if I’ll even have a child. But I’ve planned out those names for years.

Hopefully like any parent, I would want you to have a good life.

I want you to feel safe in our home and with me.

Malakai, I want you to feel like your thoughts matter.

I will never push you aside or hold my standards higher than yours.

Winter, I want you to feel like you are free to be who you want to be without judgment.

I don’t want you to feel like I won’t love you for who you are.

Alec, I want to be there for you. I don’t want you to feel as if you need to hide anything from me.

I don’t want you to fear me.

River, I want you to know that it's okay to be scared, or sad, or angry.

Don’t let anyone tell you that you shouldn’t.

I don't know if I’ll be a good parent.

I make so many promises that are hard to keep.

I’m scared that I’ll ruin your life unintentionally.

You didn’t ask to be in this broken world.

You might not even exist.

I might save you from living this mess.

But if you do end up being here with me, just know that I love you.